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In the overwhelming grief of my last pregnancy loss I wanted to drown in it like the two before it. Mark each milestone that "would have been." Imagine how I'd look as each week slipped by with a now empty womb. Grieve hard the day of "what should have been" my due date. But God was very gracious and clear with me that this time I must not do that. That to begin to have true healing for this loss and my others I'd have to fight hard when the "should have been's" came raging in.
And come they do. Sometimes I ward them off pretty well and other times I don't. It is truly a fight. I do have to say though, overall the healing process has been a lot deeper and I have a lot more peace.
I realized through this fight that it is a way I demonstrate my belief that God is completely sovereign. Let's be honest and admit that it's pretty easy to acknowledge His sovereignty when things go well or He answers our prayers the way we wanted, but when things go terribly wrong and I am left with yet another child born to heaven...maybe it really wasn't suppose to be that way. Maybe God wasn't truly sovereign.
It's a hard thing to admit. At least it was for me. God has made this life such a mystery. He is so perfectly intertwined into it all and yet we are free and the world is broken and really awful things happen and yet, and yet He is sovereign. And somehow He works good through it all.
I am convinced that because He is sovereign there are no "should have been's". A God that isn't truly the One with all in His hand, good and evil, is not much of a God to give my life to. "Who has a claim against Me that I must pay? Everything under heaven belongs to Me." (Job 41:11)
The peace I have knowing that I shouldn't be pregnant right now, even though it still pierces my heart, is worth the fight because I can be assured that I am securely in His hand. I can join Job and say, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord."
3 comments:
It is very true that the hard times are a test of belief in God's sovereignty. I find for myself that God often takes me to places where there is nothing left to turn to in order to remind me to cast myself on Him.
So Sorry Leah that you have been going thru this difficult time! Although the things that sometimes happen seem hard to understand it is comforting to know that God IS sovereign. The healing process seems to always be two fold...healing but also learning thru it also, and its not always easy. The situation we have been going thru for the past 2 years has been hard and even though we dont understand the reason trusting that God is and has been in control every step of the way convinces us that Isaiah 55:8 is SO true! We draw close to Him and are comforted in the midst of the trial! Thanks for sharing your heart Leah. hugs
I know how you feel, friend. You are loved, God is aware. Without our trials, we could not be made new in Him. HUGS! Mynn xx
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