Catching Up

Well hello there....a bit of time lapsed didn't it. Nothing new to report since my last two posts. Just waiting. 

In the time since last writing we enjoyed a fabulous trip to San Diego. Oh how I loved to be back by the ocean. I thought after a week I'd be so ready to come home. I wasn't. But home we did go, which is good :)

The best place we found was La Jolla Cove. Right up my alley as it was a small beach, lots of wildlife to watch and beautiful water. The kids had so much fun!!

We saw tons and tons of sea lions and a few seals. The sea lions are so noisy and very fun to watch. Way better than going to Sea World. Of course there were sea gulls and we got to see a pair of them with their babies. Lots of other water fowl and we experienced a rare "red tide" of tuna crabs.

 It was such a beautiful trip. 

Otherwise our time has been spent making a few trips down to Beaver Creek for some practice at the new skill of swimming with a life jacket on. All the kids got the hang of it on the San Diego trip which was one of my goals for them so I was so happy they got it!

And they can all now ride a bike without training wheels! Zachary has known how for a couple years now but Ayana and Makaio still hadn't mastered it. Within one weekend of practicing they got it. So we've been having a good summer and I am so thankful for the family I have.

To Persevere

My orchid bloomed! So very pretty and lots more flowers to come. Sadly there is no news of our little girl yet. *sigh* Happily we have a fun trip we leave for on Sunday so at least that will give us some distraction. Speaking of distraction I find that when I am in a stressful time or period of long waiting (such as now) I want to turn to distractions to fill up my time. This results in poor time management and I realized this past week that it not only affects me but those I love most. I found myself not really engaging with my kids the way I usually do and I lost all desire to reach out or stay in touch with friends. 

Persevering isn't just idly letting time go by until the desired want is met. It is a constant conscience work of keeping my eyes where they need to be. They need to be on who and what God has already put in front of me to care for and nurture and to decide to trust His plan and timing. I'm thankful for pretty flowers and fun trips to enjoy while I persevere through this long wait.

Waiting....

This is my orchid plant. I've had it for a little over two years. When it was given to me it was in bloom. The flowers faded pretty quickly and hoping to keep it alive I did a bit of research on how to care for it and have been doing my best. It's rewarded me with growing several new leaves and in the past couple of months spiked two bloom stalks. As I have been excitedly watching the bloom stalks develop and the one in front grow several buds I have been doing a lot of thinking on waiting.

Waiting is hard. I don't particularly like it, especially when it comes to waiting for my children to come home. But I am convinced it is necessary and is the only way we can effectively grow in many areas.

We are waiting to be matched with our future daughter. We are in the adoption process again. I said I didn't ever want to do it again only because of the excruciating waiting involved. But I will do anything for my children and so I am in the desert of waiting.

This time it won't require trips half way across the world like it did to bring my sons home from Ethiopia. We are waiting on the domestic system this time. But not trusting in it. That is what I keep reminding myself of everyday that goes by without a phone call.

The system is so broken. The world is so broken. And God knows this full well. 

As I have been watching my orchid buds start to swell and gain a bit of color I've thought how to see a beautiful flower of any kind bloom you have to wait for it. It will bloom in it's own time at it's own speed. If you try to force it to bloom you would only destroy the bud and would never see the fully formed flower. God has so graciously given us clear examples to answer some of the whys we all struggle with and for me, my orchid plant has given me hope to hang on to during our wait that God is indeed working and at the perfect time and with the perfect child our family will bloom together.

For now, we wait.

Simple Joys

The fact that all my children still love a silly $1 merry-go-round ride at the mall makes me so happy. It really is the simple joys of life. 

There are no "should have been's"

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In the overwhelming grief of my last pregnancy loss I wanted to drown in it like the two before it. Mark each milestone that "would have been." Imagine how I'd look as each week slipped by with a now empty womb. Grieve hard the day of "what should have been" my due date. But God was very gracious and clear with me that this time I must not do that. That to begin to have true healing for this loss and my others I'd have to fight hard when the "should have been's" came raging in.

And come they do. Sometimes I ward them off pretty well and other times I don't. It is truly a fight. I do have to say though, overall the healing process has been a lot deeper and I have a lot more peace. 

I realized through this fight that it is a way I demonstrate my belief that God is completely sovereign. Let's be honest and admit that it's pretty easy to acknowledge His sovereignty when things go well or He answers our prayers the way we wanted, but when things go terribly wrong and I am left with yet another child born to heaven...maybe it really wasn't suppose to be that way. Maybe God wasn't truly sovereign. 

It's a hard thing to admit. At least it was for me. God has made this life such a mystery. He is so perfectly intertwined into it all and yet we are free and the world is broken and really awful things happen and yet, and yet He is sovereign. And somehow He works good through it all. 

I am convinced that because He is sovereign there are no "should have been's". A God that isn't truly the One with all in His hand, good and evil, is not much of a God to give my life to. "Who has a claim against Me that I must pay? Everything under heaven belongs to Me." (Job 41:11)

The peace I have knowing that I shouldn't be pregnant right now, even though it still pierces my heart, is worth the fight because I can be assured that I am securely in His hand. I can join Job and say, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord."

To Begin

I tend to over think things. And by over think I mean obsess. I try to work out all possible angles before making certain decisions. I say certain decisions because I can also be very impulsive. But usually my obsessed side wins. So, here is a beginning to this blog. I figured if I didn't just start I probably never would.

The heart of starting this blog is so that I can share my thoughts through writing and maybe encourage someone else. Lifting each other up is so important, don't you think? I know it is for me. So let's begin together.

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